Knowing my beautiful Paige as I do now, my experience of being pregnant with her mirrors my experience thus far of parenting her. My pregnancy was quiet, easy and peaceful. So easy and comfortable for the first 6 months that, being me, I occasionally worried something was wrong. Where was the dreadful morning sickness? The exhaustion? The baby hiccoughing and twisting under my ribs 10 times a day? That wasn't Paige's style - she just calmly got on with the business of growing.
I was booked in to have a cesarean on Wednesday the 3rd October 2012. I spent the weeks leading up to it waiting to go into labour, certain that I wouldn't make it to October and still be pregnant. I had my hospital bag packed and Johnnie had the crib set up in our room from 33 weeks (we learnt our lesson from last time!) I spent the days leading up to my due date washing the little clothes, buying the few things I still needed and really enjoying the last days that Eve would be my only child. The day before I was booked in to have the baby I spent a few hours at the hospital filling out forms, having blood taken and (awkwardly) running around after Eve trying to keep her out of trouble. The hospital told me to be back there the next morning at 7am.
That night after we put Eve to bed Johnnie and I sat up for a while and talked. We kept saying how strange it was knowing that in a few hours we would become a family of four.
I woke up early the next morning and lay in the dim, pre-dawn light feeling my baby stretching and kicking - I put my hands on my stomach and whispered to my little one that I was going to meet them today and that I was so excited to see them. I told the baby not to be scared, that it had nothing to worry about. I would be waiting, ready to hold and love it the second it was born.
Johnnie woke up and he and I got ready, moving softly in the quiet, still house. Thankfully Eve woke up just before we had to leave. I held her close and told her how much I loved her and that I would see her later that day and she would finally get to meet her little brother or sister.
It was a beautiful morning and as we drove to the hospital along the beach I was looking out at all the people sitting in cafes having breakfast thinking that it was strange and funny that for them it was just a normal day.
We arrived at the hospital and it was a nervous and jittery blur of (yet more) paperwork, stowing our bags away, changing into a gown, drinking some absolutely horrible liquid to stop nausea and then - waiting. Waiting and waiting. It was only an hour but Johnnie and I were alone in the room just waiting for them to come and take us down to the theatre and it felt like FOREVER. I whiled away the time listening to the baby's loud rhythmic heartbeat thudding out of the moniter. Johnnie tried to start a conversation with me a few times but I kept losing track of what he was saying and falling silent - too nervous and distracted to talk. Finally, finally the door opened and a man and a lovely nurse came in. I got on the bed, they put the sides up and started wheeling me through the labyrinth like corridors of the hospital.
We went through to the operating suite and again I noticed straight away that it was very cold and had a sharp smell, like alcohol and medicine. I had to hunch over a cushion while they put the spinal in - it was more difficult this time, it took a lot longer to get in. They kept telling me to curl my spine over more which is almost impossible when you are hugely pregnant. They finally did it and had me lie down but it wasn't working properly - there was still a section of my stomach that I could feel. They tilted the bed and said they would give it 5 minutes to start working properly. I didn't ask them what would happen if the spinal didn't take properly because I knew - I would be given a general anesthetic and miss the birth of my baby. I spent the 5 minute wait staring up at the light above me pleading in my head for the medicine to do its job. They checked again and thank goodness I couldn't feel a thing. They led Johnnie into the room, put that high blue sheet up in front of me and said it was time to begin.
As they were operating the lovely surgeon asked us what we thought we were having - I said a boy and Johnnie said a girl. A few minutes later I felt some pushing and tugging and I knew this was it - my darling baby was about to be born. My heart started racing and my hands were shaking. All I could think was "come on little one, I want to see you and hold you so badly. Please be ok, come on." Another big tug and a beautiful, longed-for cry. I sobbed out "what do we have? What do we have?" The doctor said "You tell me!" He lifted my baby up, up over the curtain. I looked up and my heart just exploded with love. Paige Beatrice had arrived in our lives. That tiny, beautiful, cross little face - I felt like it was imprinted on my heart and in my soul already. Johnnie whispered urgently "what do we have?" I choked out the words "it's a girl and she is so beautiful!"
After weighing and measuring and cleaning her they bought her back to me and lay her on my chest. She lay there so calmly, her soft skin against mine and I kissed her and whispered sweet words into her ear - all about how loved she was and how truly grateful we were to have her with us.
