One

This weekend we celebrated my smallest daughters first birthday. Amongst the cake, candles and some fabulous 60's Australiana decor (more on that later) there was also some reflecting and reminiscing over the fact that Paige is now a year old.

(All photos by the lovely Barbara Coombe)

The day your baby turns one is such a mix of emotions: relief - the sleep deprivation didn't actually kill me! Pride - I didn't drop the baby, forget the baby, sell the baby on e-bay - insert all the random ways you worry you could injure your child. Fear - if you're now that old, then how old am I getting? Also sadness. The sadness comes from the realisation that my baby's first year is over. She is on the cusp of leaving her babyhood behind her forever. It feels like each day I can practically see her limbs lengthening, her face maturing and her eyes growing more aware of the intricacies of the world around her.

Paige has been such a sweet, content and loving little baby that I feel an ache at the thought of her moving on from this stage. It makes me laugh when I remember that just over a year ago I was nervous about the effect that adding a second child to our family would have. Nervous about my sweet Paige? It seems so silly now. Paige is pure sunshine and light. She has deep rich chuckle and an eye crinkling grin. She is warm milky breath and soft skin, she is fat dimpled hands curled around my finger and silky soft baby hair. 

When you get lucky enough to have a baby like her, you celebrate the big milestones and celebrate we did. Saturday dawned sunny and bright and saw a large group of my family and friends gathered in a local bowling club for a sausage sizzle and some barefoot bowling. So wonderfully Australian it hurts! As was the decor:

 (Large Aboriginal painting in the Namatjira Lounge) 

When it came time for my sweet girl to blow out her single candle, the reason this gathering felt so poignant really struck me. There were about 40 loved ones standing in a group smiling at Paige and singing the happy birthday song to her. It bought a lump to my throat because, you see, while they may have thought that they were bellowing happy birthday, what they were really saying was "we are glad your baby is here", "we love her too", "we support your family" and "we like eating cake". All good, tugging at the heartstrings stuff, no? We are so lucky to have such a large, loving family surrounding us and I am so glad that Paige will grow up with her extended family all around her - cousins to run and play with, Aunties to bake her birthday cakes and sing songs into her ear that they used to sing into mine when I was as small as her, Uncles to throw her in the air and tell her 'remember when' family stories that never grow old and Grandparents to simply adore and spoil her. She is truly blessed.

(Thank you Christine for Paige's gorgeous cake!)

So the cake was eaten, the fairy bread was trodden into the carpet, loud sugar-induced tantrums were had and on the drive home I looked at both of my girls sleeping faces in the backseat. Yes, I'm sad to say goodbye to Paige's babyhood but knowing how much fun watching my first born baby turn into a little person has been, I have much more reason to look forward than to reflect on the past. (Besides, all that looking back was starting to give me a crick in the neck...)

Happy birthday, baby.

The Birth of Paige

Knowing my beautiful Paige as I do now, my experience of being pregnant with her mirrors my experience thus far of parenting her. My pregnancy was quiet, easy and peaceful. So easy and comfortable for the first 6 months that, being me, I occasionally worried something was wrong. Where was the dreadful morning sickness? The exhaustion? The baby hiccoughing and twisting under my ribs 10 times a day? That wasn't Paige's style - she just calmly got on with the business of growing.

 

I was booked in to have a cesarean on Wednesday the 3rd October 2012. I spent the weeks leading up to it waiting to go into labour, certain that I wouldn't make it to October and still be pregnant. I had my hospital bag packed and Johnnie had the crib set up in our room from 33 weeks (we learnt our lesson from last time!) I spent the days leading up to my due date washing the little clothes, buying the few things I still needed and really enjoying the last days that Eve would be my only child. The day before I was booked in to have the baby I spent a few hours at the hospital filling out forms, having blood taken and (awkwardly) running around after Eve trying to keep her out of trouble. The hospital told me to be back there the next morning at 7am. 

That night after we put Eve to bed Johnnie and I sat up for a while and talked. We kept saying how strange it was knowing that in a few hours we would become a family of four. 

I woke up early the next morning and lay in the dim, pre-dawn light feeling my baby stretching and kicking - I put my hands on my stomach and whispered to my little one that I was going to meet them today and that I was so excited to see them. I told the baby not to be scared, that it had nothing to worry about. I would be waiting, ready to hold and love it the second it was born. 

Johnnie woke up and he and I got ready, moving softly in the quiet, still house. Thankfully Eve woke up just before we had to leave. I held her close and told her how much I loved her and that I would see her later that day and she would finally get to meet her little brother or sister.

It was a beautiful morning and as we drove to the hospital along the beach I was looking out at all the people sitting in cafes having breakfast thinking that it was strange and funny that for them it was just a normal day.

We arrived at the hospital and it was a nervous and jittery blur of (yet more) paperwork, stowing our bags away, changing into a gown, drinking some absolutely horrible liquid to stop nausea and then - waiting. Waiting and waiting. It was only an hour but Johnnie and I were alone in the room just waiting for them to come and take us down to the theatre and it felt like FOREVER.  I whiled away the time listening to the baby's  loud rhythmic heartbeat thudding out of the moniter. Johnnie tried to start a conversation with me a few times but I kept losing track of what he was saying and falling silent - too nervous and distracted to talk. Finally, finally the door opened and a man and a lovely nurse came in. I got on the bed, they put the sides up and started wheeling me through the labyrinth like corridors of the hospital. 

We went through to the operating suite and again I noticed straight away that it was very cold and had a sharp smell, like alcohol and medicine. I had to hunch over a cushion while they put the spinal in - it was more difficult this time, it took a lot longer to get in. They kept telling me to curl my spine over more which is almost impossible when you are hugely pregnant. They finally did it and had me lie down but it wasn't working properly - there was still a section of my stomach that I could feel. They tilted the bed and said they would give it 5 minutes to start working properly. I didn't ask them what would happen if the spinal didn't take properly because I knew - I would be given a general anesthetic and miss the birth of my baby. I spent the 5 minute wait staring up at the light above me pleading in my head for the medicine to do its job. They checked again and thank goodness I couldn't feel a thing. They led Johnnie into the room, put that high blue sheet up in front of me and said it was time to begin.

As they were operating the lovely surgeon asked us what we thought we were having - I said a boy and Johnnie said a girl. A few minutes later I felt some pushing and tugging and I knew this was it - my darling baby was about to be born. My heart started racing and my hands were shaking. All I could think was "come on little one, I want to see you and hold you so badly. Please be ok, come on." Another big tug and a beautiful, longed-for cry. I sobbed out "what do we have? What do we have?" The doctor said "You tell me!" He lifted my baby up, up over the curtain. I looked up and my heart just exploded with love. Paige Beatrice had arrived in our lives. That tiny, beautiful, cross little face - I felt like it was imprinted on my heart and in my soul  already. Johnnie whispered urgently "what do we have?" I choked out the words "it's a girl and she is so beautiful!"

After weighing and measuring and cleaning her they bought her back to me and lay her on my chest. She lay there so calmly, her soft skin against mine and I kissed her and whispered sweet words into her ear - all about how loved she was and how truly grateful we were to have her with us.